Happy Thanksgiving.
I have much to be thankful for this year. Here are some of the highlights:
Mom and Dad- always awesome! Never let me down
Friends- who pick me up, carry me when needed, and endlessly support
My job at 3 Creek- inspires me, gives me purpose, pays for my life (and sickness)
The Tetons- offer me exercise, fun, endless beauty and inspiration
Negative Lymph Node Pathology- if only one thing goes right, this is the true blessing
Modern Medicine- even though this has been a tough battle, at least I won't likely die
Early Detection- Stage 3-4 are VERY bad
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
"Rad"
The doctor jargon for radical hysterectomy is "rad."
I walked into the office for an appointment with a new doctor and he said, "You certainly look good for having had a 'rad' eight weeks ago."
Then we did a rundown of the last 8 weeks including the seroma, a second surgery, trouble with my bladder, 4 infections followed by 4 rounds of anti-biotics, and now I am back in the office. After the rundown he said, "Well, I would have never thought you had a 'rad' 8 weeks ago with complications, you look great!"
I fear that because I am healthy and fit (looking) I have been mistreated by my caregivers. I stroll into the offices over and over with a smile and a healthy complexion. I am not overweight and I wear fitness clothing. Does that mean a doctor can assume my body is healed? My surgeon told me I could do things that clearly I cannot. He said pain could be my guide, and I have not had any pain. Yet here I am back on the sideline of my own life.
Just for everyone's information, so people can stop assuming that I did this to myself, I was completely released to ski, run, bike, etc at 6 weeks. I have not done one thing that hurt or caused abdominal pain, other than shovel (which I stopped immediately.) Yet, somehow I have an internal injury that is not healing. The wound is supposed to be skin like and smooth and it is raw and swollen. This is causing pressure on my insides making it difficult to eat, drink, and other important body functions.
Sadly, I cannot flex my abdominal muscles until released by my doctor. This means, no more skiing. I am approved for cardio such as elliptical or bicycle, but until further notice, no skiing.
I am still waiting to hear from my team at Huntsman to make sure they agree with the diagnosis of my Jackson doctor. Perhaps he will want to see me again. Maybe I can walk into the room in black workout tights and cute Lululemon jacket, and I can be told I am fine, and released for all activity. Or maybe I should show up in a moo-moo with my hair a complete mess and be told I need another 4 weeks of recovery.
All I want is to be told the truth. That would be "rad."
Here are a few pictures of my first post cancer ski. An epic moment for my soul.
I walked into the office for an appointment with a new doctor and he said, "You certainly look good for having had a 'rad' eight weeks ago."
Then we did a rundown of the last 8 weeks including the seroma, a second surgery, trouble with my bladder, 4 infections followed by 4 rounds of anti-biotics, and now I am back in the office. After the rundown he said, "Well, I would have never thought you had a 'rad' 8 weeks ago with complications, you look great!"
I fear that because I am healthy and fit (looking) I have been mistreated by my caregivers. I stroll into the offices over and over with a smile and a healthy complexion. I am not overweight and I wear fitness clothing. Does that mean a doctor can assume my body is healed? My surgeon told me I could do things that clearly I cannot. He said pain could be my guide, and I have not had any pain. Yet here I am back on the sideline of my own life.
Just for everyone's information, so people can stop assuming that I did this to myself, I was completely released to ski, run, bike, etc at 6 weeks. I have not done one thing that hurt or caused abdominal pain, other than shovel (which I stopped immediately.) Yet, somehow I have an internal injury that is not healing. The wound is supposed to be skin like and smooth and it is raw and swollen. This is causing pressure on my insides making it difficult to eat, drink, and other important body functions.
Sadly, I cannot flex my abdominal muscles until released by my doctor. This means, no more skiing. I am approved for cardio such as elliptical or bicycle, but until further notice, no skiing.
I am still waiting to hear from my team at Huntsman to make sure they agree with the diagnosis of my Jackson doctor. Perhaps he will want to see me again. Maybe I can walk into the room in black workout tights and cute Lululemon jacket, and I can be told I am fine, and released for all activity. Or maybe I should show up in a moo-moo with my hair a complete mess and be told I need another 4 weeks of recovery.
All I want is to be told the truth. That would be "rad."
Here are a few pictures of my first post cancer ski. An epic moment for my soul.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
New Beginnings
"New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings."
Beginning today, right now, I am starting again.
Winter is upon us. Winter, my favorite season of the year. The season where the chill of the air bites our cheeks as we sail through snow. The season of holidays and shimmering snowflakes and sparkling decorations; fireworks and bright lights. I am coming into the season anew.
The past few weeks have been full of small accomplishments. I am accomplishing more in the gym. Slowly I am trying to get my body prepared for ski season. I skinned up the pass and (sort-of) skied back down the skin track. The funny part is, with my swollen belly and my ski pants a little too tight, I was unable to bend all the way over and tighten my boots. I had to have help from a friend in the parking lot. Thus making me the "ski girl" I hate to be. The person who needs help.
I realized while sitting in the snow at the top, that I was unable to stand back up without my poles due to the lack of core muscles. I have decided it would be quite a challenge to get up if I actually fell on skis. However, all of this was almost 2 weeks ago and I have gotten quite a bit better since then. I am waiting for more snowfall to attempt day 2 in the Tetons.
Though it has been a tough time for me, and though I sometimes feel tiny bits of depression and frustration, I am trying to better understand the human body. Particularly I am trying to grasp the overwhelming mind/ body connection. For me, as well as a friend I know who just had a hysterectomy, we are both mentally overwhelmed by our physical limitations. She is sadly suffering and fearful that she will not get back to "normal." I shared the same feelings. I sometimes still share those same feelings.
My new attitude is that today is a new beginning. My past does not define me. I can bravely move forward and confidently embrace the new beginning. So can anyone!
Beginning today, right now, I am starting again.
Winter is upon us. Winter, my favorite season of the year. The season where the chill of the air bites our cheeks as we sail through snow. The season of holidays and shimmering snowflakes and sparkling decorations; fireworks and bright lights. I am coming into the season anew.
The past few weeks have been full of small accomplishments. I am accomplishing more in the gym. Slowly I am trying to get my body prepared for ski season. I skinned up the pass and (sort-of) skied back down the skin track. The funny part is, with my swollen belly and my ski pants a little too tight, I was unable to bend all the way over and tighten my boots. I had to have help from a friend in the parking lot. Thus making me the "ski girl" I hate to be. The person who needs help.
I realized while sitting in the snow at the top, that I was unable to stand back up without my poles due to the lack of core muscles. I have decided it would be quite a challenge to get up if I actually fell on skis. However, all of this was almost 2 weeks ago and I have gotten quite a bit better since then. I am waiting for more snowfall to attempt day 2 in the Tetons.
Though it has been a tough time for me, and though I sometimes feel tiny bits of depression and frustration, I am trying to better understand the human body. Particularly I am trying to grasp the overwhelming mind/ body connection. For me, as well as a friend I know who just had a hysterectomy, we are both mentally overwhelmed by our physical limitations. She is sadly suffering and fearful that she will not get back to "normal." I shared the same feelings. I sometimes still share those same feelings.
My new attitude is that today is a new beginning. My past does not define me. I can bravely move forward and confidently embrace the new beginning. So can anyone!
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Outpouring of Love
Outpouring of Love
First, I would like to thank my 3 Creek friends who have sent messages of support, care and love. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful place to work and such amazing clients and friends.
The good news is that I am back at work and training again. Training makes me feel productive. I know I am helping people. I know I have knowledge and experience that people appreciate. I know that my spirit and good attitude have been missed.
Yesterday I rode a spin bike for 10 minutes and did another 10 minutes on an elliptical. I was surprised that I wasn't more fatigued from the effort. I laid on the ground and did some minimal stretching. I used a foam roller for the first time since before surgery. It was AWESOME!
Second, I would like to apologize for not blogging. I have no real excuse. I have not been busy. The only reason I have not written is that I was afraid of being negative. I am trying so very hard to stay positive and continue my healing journey.
I was very frustrated the last few weeks. My body is healing and I am feeling better, but I am not back to "normal." I do realize that my "normal" is not the average normal. I want to be training for ski season. I want to go into the snow covered mountains and slip, slide and play.
I told myself when I scheduled the surgery that I would be back to normal by Halloween. (my favorite holiday: which Trey and I celebrated by watching all four of the "Saw" movies instead of going out in our amazing costumes.) Now I am thinking Thanksgiving. What seems to be the problem you may ask? It is incredibly hard to explain. My stomach muscles are extremely tight. I feel like I have a bike tube wrapped tightly around my lower abdomen. I have trouble bending over to touch my toes or bending sideways. I have trouble getting up and down off the floor. These things are all minor inconveniences, the real issue is that my incision is still leaking. I cannot express the frustration of wanting to get on with my life and having to constantly change gauze pads, and drip, drip, drip. ARGH!!!!!!!
I have an appointment at 1:30 today to have it checked. I assume this is normal. What I am really looking for is peace of mind. To know that it is fine, to know it isn't another seroma, to know that I am still moving in the right direction is what I am looking for. I honestly believe it is what the doctor will say.
I sound like a spoiled kid. I should be thankful that I am healthy and that the surgery was successful. I went through the hardest thing I have ever been through and I am still standing to tell you about the experience. I know I should be patient and not get frustrated. I know I should be appreciative of the things I can do and not fixate on the things I can't do. For this, I apologize. I am not proud of myself for getting frustrated. I am a "glass half full" kind of girl.
Again, I apologize for not blogging during the time that the glass was half empty. Especially if you are reading this because you are going through something similar. It isn't all smiles and giggles. The struggle is real. The reality is a struggle. However, in the end, it will make us stronger!
First, I would like to thank my 3 Creek friends who have sent messages of support, care and love. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful place to work and such amazing clients and friends.
The good news is that I am back at work and training again. Training makes me feel productive. I know I am helping people. I know I have knowledge and experience that people appreciate. I know that my spirit and good attitude have been missed.
Yesterday I rode a spin bike for 10 minutes and did another 10 minutes on an elliptical. I was surprised that I wasn't more fatigued from the effort. I laid on the ground and did some minimal stretching. I used a foam roller for the first time since before surgery. It was AWESOME!
Second, I would like to apologize for not blogging. I have no real excuse. I have not been busy. The only reason I have not written is that I was afraid of being negative. I am trying so very hard to stay positive and continue my healing journey.
I was very frustrated the last few weeks. My body is healing and I am feeling better, but I am not back to "normal." I do realize that my "normal" is not the average normal. I want to be training for ski season. I want to go into the snow covered mountains and slip, slide and play.
I told myself when I scheduled the surgery that I would be back to normal by Halloween. (my favorite holiday: which Trey and I celebrated by watching all four of the "Saw" movies instead of going out in our amazing costumes.) Now I am thinking Thanksgiving. What seems to be the problem you may ask? It is incredibly hard to explain. My stomach muscles are extremely tight. I feel like I have a bike tube wrapped tightly around my lower abdomen. I have trouble bending over to touch my toes or bending sideways. I have trouble getting up and down off the floor. These things are all minor inconveniences, the real issue is that my incision is still leaking. I cannot express the frustration of wanting to get on with my life and having to constantly change gauze pads, and drip, drip, drip. ARGH!!!!!!!
I have an appointment at 1:30 today to have it checked. I assume this is normal. What I am really looking for is peace of mind. To know that it is fine, to know it isn't another seroma, to know that I am still moving in the right direction is what I am looking for. I honestly believe it is what the doctor will say.
I sound like a spoiled kid. I should be thankful that I am healthy and that the surgery was successful. I went through the hardest thing I have ever been through and I am still standing to tell you about the experience. I know I should be patient and not get frustrated. I know I should be appreciative of the things I can do and not fixate on the things I can't do. For this, I apologize. I am not proud of myself for getting frustrated. I am a "glass half full" kind of girl.
Again, I apologize for not blogging during the time that the glass was half empty. Especially if you are reading this because you are going through something similar. It isn't all smiles and giggles. The struggle is real. The reality is a struggle. However, in the end, it will make us stronger!
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