Scaring yourself

The thrill of scaring yourself:

As you all know I am an adrenaline junkie. I love to ski off cliffs, ride a bike on the ledge of a mountain, jump from high points into water, etc.  As any extreme athlete will tell you, the secret to fearlessly pursuing these activities is feeling "in control" of the situation. I can ski off the cliff because I have spent 100's of days preparing my muscles, joints, tendons and mind. I've gone to Avalanche training, I have diligently studied the terrain, I've checked and rechecked my top of the line equipment. The same with biking, paragliding, sky diving, kayaking, or any activity.  I am strong and smart and prepared for what to do if something goes wrong. 

The point of this post is to tell you all what I did that scared me more than any previous wild idea...  I Google imaged abdominal hysterectomy. Bad idea! It's easy to forget when a doctor shows you a nice clean diagram of human insides that everything is surrounded by blood and fat and tissue. The image I saw was a gruesome hip to hip opening full of the remains of a great white shark attack. (If you Google it be prepared for sleepless nights and a bit of nausea.) 

I honestly wish I didn't see that image. Ignorance is bliss in this situation. The reason it is so scary is because I'm not in control. If I were a trained oncology surgeon and could do my own surgery that would be better. Instead, I will be knocked out with the control passed into the hands of a stranger. Giving control to a stranger is a foreign concept to a thrill seeker. It's like scuba diving without checking your oxygen tank.  It's like climbing the Grand Teton when someone else packed your pack. But here I go, cliff jumping into water I cannot even see!